Two years ago, July 27, 2007, I lost a very dear friend… the best friend a person could ever in their life ask for. She was the richest person in the world by way of happiness, life and compassion. Her energy radiated far past any bounds the world could attempt to hold, and she had her own gravitational pull. Anyone who met her, loved her instantly- which is exactly how it happened for me.
Christine and I met the weekend before Halloween, 2006, shared a Guinness that night and the rest was history. Before I met her, a mutual friend had shared her myspace profile with me- and I had not been so immediately impressed. When I met her in person, I immediately wanted to kick myself for being so close-minded. She was stunning and I was in absolute awe of her. I swear that from the moment we met, it was like we had known each other forever, because we were inseparable and instant bffs! I think what won me over completely, was the actual night of Halloween, where she spent most of the evening in the restroom at South Beach helping me clean egg residue off of my face and pull egg shell out of my hair while assuring me that I still looked absolutely beautiful even after being egged in the face by a group of homophobes. It was a disgusting sight/situation, but she was a trooper and true friend from the start. We spent the next year practically joined at the hip, sharing new experiences and learning to take full advantage of the life that we had been given. I think that in that year, I finally understood what it meant to LIVE.
Then I woke up one morning, and she was gone… just as quickly as she had come. I did not think that I would bounce back- if she was gone then there was nothing left for me. A part of me thought that I was meant to save her… that my purpose in her life was to provide for her the things that her parents had not and that she herself could not. I realize now that I was just meant to love her and spend as much time with her as I could- to help her enjoy her final days to their fullest, even though we both were blind to the reality that would inevitably take her away and leave me completely numb. I am so grateful for every experience that we shared; I am proud of myself for letting loose and really living because I would definitely not be who I am today without those experiences. But I spent the last two years grieving over her loss instead of continuing to live my own life… continuing to carry on as I should be in her absence.
It has been two years, no, actually more than, since I have made solid effort to befriend anyone. I have met many people, have been cordial and I have been sincere, but I made no effort to invest an ounce of understanding and energy into building a solid friendship with any individual. I never actively pursued any leads to boost acquaintances to a point past acknowledgement; I never extended compassion or even trust. (and I consider myself a competely trusting individual unless I am given a reason to doubt you- but, I absolutely will NOT ever, NEVER EVER, base my opinion of someone simply off of what someone else has told me. I much prefer to form my own assessments by taking the reins.) Anyway, back to the focus. I have no one to blame but myself for my lack of investment; however, I can confidently say now that I am finally out of my slump. I am still unnerved by the thought of losing anyone close to me, but death is as much a part of life as living and I know that I have to continue to live because it is my God-given right. No one else can or should do it for me.
I also in the past few months have made effort to meet people, to branch out and actually give people a fighting chance to know me and get to know them. I might have missed out on some amazing opportunities over the past two years, but not anymore. In fact, I have established new friendships recently that have helped me gain this new perspective- I don’t think that I will ever be able to truly express how much these new individuals mean to me and how grateful I am that they have helped me. I, in a way, owe them my life… but I think that they will settle for my love and friendship 🙂
❤ you guys always (and you know who you are)