The Birthday Dress


Imagine yourself almost an hour’s drive from home, approximately 40 minutes from the scheduled time of YOUR own birthday dinner and the one outfit you have is not cooperating. The story I am about to tell is quite possibly the most ridiculous dressing experience I have ever had. It was a scene straight out of “Monster-in-Law.” You know the one with Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda where she rips the beautiful couture dress because it won’t go over her butt. Fortunately, there is no ripping of priceless designer clothes, or any clothes in my situation… just the comedic struggle.
Now, I can be that indecisive, picky woman that brings 30 different outfits on a 3 day road trip because I am afraid that I will not (because I certainly won’t) feel like wearing whatever it is that I designated for the day. This time I just KNEW that the dress I deemed my “birthday dress” was the perfect choice. It was originally purchased for New Years, but the weather was not permitting for anything less than 5 layers that night, so I decided that it would make its debut on my birthday. Little did I know that this dress would be more difficult to get into on Friday than it was 10 pounds ago just before New Years.
And so the story goes: Dinner was slated for 7:30pm. I got to Liz’s a little before 6pm and we talked until 6:40 or so leaving little time to spare. We started touching up hair and make up but when I slipped into my dress, the dang zipper kept getting stuck just past my hip. Liz tried for several minutes, but it just would not budge. I started to get a little anxious, thinking that I’d gained some serious weight back and that this dress was simply too small. After taking it off, we discovered that the zipper had a catch and, even without me in the dress, it still would not move!!
Since Liz was pretty much ready at this point, she continued to play with the zipper. I, now on the verge of panicking, threw my jeans back on and insisted that I was going to the store to find SOMETHING to wear. Just as I grabbed my keys, Liz forced the zipper up over the catch! WOO-HOO moment right? Think again. We could not zip it back down for fear that we would not get it back up. And, there was no way that I was getting into that dress with the zipper halfway zipped! It was a very fitted, sateen type material that just doesn’t give… at all.
For the next few minutes, though it seemed like forever, Liz and I took turns inching this dang dress over my, um, endowments. Between bursts of laughter, careful tugging and tedious grunts we were able to work the dress over my then sweaty figure and zip it the rest of the way. Needless to say, we’re having a burn party in honor of that dress’s permanent retirement.

There are several morals to this story:
1) being overly prepared is not a terrible thing.
2) teamwork makes things happen.
3) small breasted girls… yeah, I really do envy you!

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