On deserving better

I was not done with you just yet,
but please do not take this wrong
when I say that I longed to be…
I might have just jumped the gun.
I only wanted to feel someone
wanted to be felt in return-
I had nowhere else then to turn.
Still I knew, you were not the one.

In the heavy, awkward silences
I heard my heart say “run”
but I was somehow comfortable,
content with the wanting,
the desperate longing for someone.
So, there was you, just you-
with your wary, often hesitant smiles
and needlessness for me. Amen.

You were a convenience, I suppose,
that gravitation was a readiness
to need nothing less from you
than what it was, what it had become.
I wish I knew the answer there
because for a moment, I swear
it transformed to a great deal more
than either of us had bargained for.

Then, damn it, I started thinking;
my head was reeling, mind racing
trying to wrap around any constant,
hoping to make sense of any part.
Until it was clear that the only logic,
the reality was nothing real at all.
So, I finally, hesitantly, cut it off
and it was not the least disappointing.

Refreshing? A bit, I suppose.
More enlightening with eyes open,
head free of doubt, of worry-
no more wasted, empty effort
making something of the nothing
we would ultimately, indefinitely be.
Nothing of timing or attraction was ill;
no strength or depth, no desire, no will.


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