On Family Bonding

Imagine sharing a very intimate experience with the entire female population of your family… and your supremely conservative mother. Well, about 2 years ago I had the privilege of doing just that. My 3rd or 4th cousin M married C…who is also somehow related to me through marriage down the line. Awkward, yes. I know. Try answering the escorts as they walk you to sit down at the wedding when they ask “are you with the bride or groom?” Is it acceptable to say “both?” By his reaction I am inclined to believe that it isn’t, but I am also willing to bet he realized we were most likely related too. Small towns…yeah.

Anyway, the story goes like this: M kindly invited my mother, sister and me to her bachelorette/lingerie party along with most of the other cousins, aunts, mothers, grandmothers… basically the entire female population of our family. My mother and I decided to attend, and I was promptly put on gift duty. No big deal; I am far from embarrassed by such purchases/gifts. My sweet, sweet mother is, on the contrary, the most conservative individual I know, so I had to keep it pretty modest if her name was going on the card. I first purchased a gorgeous slip from Victoria’s Secret that received a nervous scowl when I pulled it out of the bag. Instead of taking it back, my aunt and I just swapped what we had bought for M and called it a day.

On the way to the party the next evening, my mother was noticeably nervous. She’s not singing…or talking very much and could not seem to find where we were going. I started making small talk and out of nowhere she said, “what is a passion party?”
“Mom, I have never heard of one. Where’d you hear of it?”
“It was on the invitation. Bachelorette and Passion Party demonstration. It’s not that sexy stuff is it? I hope not!”
“Oh.” I say. “No, mom. No (nervous laugh). I can’t imagine that it’s anything bad if it’s all family going. You must have read it wrong.”
“OH DEAR GOD” I thought. “Please let her have read it wrong.”
I had heard of sex parties and demonstrations, but not as bachelorette parties…with (gulp) family! I had not actually seen the invitation, so I really had no idea about what we were getting ourselves into.

When we got there, everyone was munching on snacks, sipping cocktails and all seemed casual. Normal. Just a friendly simple time with family. We socialized for a bit, then gathered on the couches for M to open her gifts. She had a blast trying on the lingerie over her clothes and passing some of the sillier items. Then, when the gift time was over, M and her bridesmaids toasted us all and welcomed a special guest. A rather large woman…with a determined/haughty look on her face.

I looked at my mother and her eyes are wide, nervous and we both knew what was about to come. (no pun intended) The lady began by introducing lotions, edible and warming types, passing them around for us to smell or even taste if we’d like. “This isn’t so bad” I thought as I passed things on to my mother. She did not feel the same it appeared because she nearly threw every sample at the lady next to her like we were playing hot potato.

My younger cousins and I were commenting on smells and tastes and as far as I was concerned the situation was pretty tolerable. Then, the lady pulled out various types of vibrators and dildos and proceeded to pass them around. I could not keep my composure; in fact, most of us younger ones giggled uncontrollably throughout the demonstration. Every older woman’s arms were crossed, pressed tightly into their laps, no eye contact made with anyone… Eyes were focused on the items being passed around or trained to the floor as they fumbled to get the “sinsticks” out of their laps so quickly you’d have thought they were on fire. My mother, on the other hand was far more extreme. She refused to touch them so much so that she proclaimed, “I don’t even like the real thing.” Everyone hooped and hollered, nearly doubled over from laughing so hard. Did I mention that this is my dad’s side of the family? All I could think was “My poor father.”

If that was not bad enough, the lady had us play a sex-rated version of bingo where we had to scream out “ORGASM” if we won. The prize was neon colored condoms and sex coupons.

Guess who won?


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