Why I Go

There is no method, no logic,
no ounce of sense, lackluster-
to these fits of complete insouciance.
I can muster courage to run every time, emotionless, unashamed to think
this time I thought I might actually stay.
Maybe I even promised I would,
but in an instant I am stricken cold,
left itching and restless, eager
to flee familiarity. And boldly,
I always choose, simply, to go.

My about-face is almost effortless,
but its effectiveness, I have never understood.
I would return when ready, and there,
where I left you, you would remain,
cautious, but willing to let me in.
Why would you dare to welcome me again?
With open eyes, you blindly forgive,
try to rebuild what was broke in my wake,
because this time I reassure you
that nothing is as it was before.

Then these walls start to swell,
the air thick, lungs tight, gasping for air,
I begin to fight against these tugs of life
that you wish to share, saved just for me.
There, my eyes widen, not in fear, but revelation.
Certainly this IS the defining emotion-
that overwhelming end-all realization.
I cannot share what breath I have left
with you, when you smother me so.


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