I am hesitant to reward this… miscreant with such a title for three reasons. The first: it may give away the ending, but (second:) not by the suggested positive connotation the term “kickass” is most often associated. Third: I’m a huge Walking Dead fan and I fear I’m doing the show/comic a huge injustice. (If you understand the reference, I love you).
Let’s get right to the…butt of the matter. Of two things I am certain about Mr. “Ass Kicker;” he was neither sober at the start of the date nor emotionally prepared to handle dating at all. He is a recently single father of one with a chip, nay, a BOULDER on his shoulder. All women to him are crazy and his baby mama is the craziest. Well, you certainly carry your baggage well, sir…not.
We met at Flying Saucer; I got there early and grabbed a table with a perfect view of the SNF game. He stumbled a bit later after doing the kid swap with the ex and all appeared normal. However, he spent his first beer talking about how crazy the women he has dated are and made sarcastic comments about the female disposition. The next beer, he admired more than he could a woman, it was clear (I must admit it was a most amazing/delicious brew). He smelled and sipped it with awkward affection while shifting his eyes from the brew, to the tv and on to the rest of the bar patrons with obvious disinterest and boredom towards me.
When he was through, he excused himself to consult the computer in the establishment where you can track your beer drinking progress. After ten minutes, he returned with his decision, plopped the ticket on the table and asked me to order the beer for him while he went to the men’s room. OK?
After nearly five minutes, the waitress walked up but he still had not returned. I apprehensively ordered his beer fearing he had ditched me. Another 2 minutes or so trickled by slowly and he finally came sauntering back to the table. He made his irritation obvious as he asked why his beer had not yet arrived. I bit my lip to avoid a smart reply (I wasn’t certain he was coming back kind of reply) and smiled apologetically. His beer arrived, he took a sip and frowned. I was drinking the same brew; I understood his disappointment. He then held up his phone and said “baby mama drama. I need to make a call and then I probably should go soon. Excuse me.”
I flagged the waitress down to get the check and chugged my beer thinking I could just pay and leave before he returned but my plan was thwarted by the sluggish barmaid. He came back a few minutes later, just in time for her to hand him the check directly.
We paid out and as we headed for the door, he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a sideways/half hug embrace. He then, without hesitation, bent his leg back and kicked me in the ass.