Dreams can come true
but I was never warned
that nightmares can too.
Now, left to regret time wasted
on fighting instead of loving,
it’s too late to try and fix it.
I have to let go, be strong
trust that it’s best for both
for hearts heal, beat on.
Not wishing to move on ever
or at least not yet,
but if you are so inclined
I would not blame you to try
for you deserve all the best
in whoever it is you find.
Quit painting upon such soiled canvas,
layering these unresolved disparities,
adding ferociously to their weight,
day after day, committing yourself
to such fate forever strapped to this lot-
problems the rest of the world ignores
are the ones you wear yourself thin
worrying about, but still cannot control.
And the ones you maintain, cling to,
contribute to the unsightly stain of pain,
and grow ever more insignificant in time.
Yet, within their shelter you still reside
suppressing happiness with the pride
that you are strong enough to hold
these insecurities high above head-
when, in truth, it is under them you hide.
You let them suffocate you, choking,
stealing the breath you take for granted
and life you carelessly, barely survive-
drudging on with misguided contempt
for a world that has done you no wrong
but it owes you, you’d certainly exclaim
for the great service you lay claim to
by personally taking on these burdens
when no one ever asked for you to.
For these works you cannot stand tall,
but, should you refuse to give them up,
to not let fall from your wearied back
this twisted heap you have amassed
by subconsciously living in the past
and feeling sorry for only yourself,
then the world cannot for you fix
what you choose not to try to undo.
Perhaps, I should have just given in
walked away by ruining it all then
so I would not feel this way now, again.
The pending event wears thin my will,
to stick around, sit idly by, patiently
while the rest of the world plays,
so it seems, all about but without me.
And while I wait resentment, frustration,
the need to counteract starts to sink in.
It angers me that these feelings arise,
I fight to suppress, internalize the problem
for surely I am the unstable one,
ready to wash my hands of it all
at the moment exclusion is made known.
It roots, claws, its way under my skin
and I, hypersensitive, begin to taste
the bitter words ready to fly from my lips,
yet I suppress them, hoping, willing
to drown them with any compassion,
I can muster, but when in growing lonely
I lose all understanding and the fear overcomes
I believe once again I am losing another-
someone I care for, but that I,
I am not allowed to hold on to.
Scarcely, it flows like rocks off of ledges.
The dust builds up to hide the eyes
in pictures that follow you through
rooms of broken dreams and dying hearts,
scrubbed clean by tattered rags of clothes
ripped apart during late night dances
when we grew close and held tight.
You slit my throat and watched
as “I love you” bled through your tears.
I felt my world grow dark
as I stumbled through the doorway
to the room where you lay sleeping
with your hands around my neck, like lace
pulling gently at the broken skin.
I let out a silent plea as I grew weaker
and you sensed the hint of life.
You flicked on the lights, drew the shades
cradled me and sucked my pain from my lips.
I could still taste your salty tears,
but I had nothing more to bleed.
My drops of life washed down the drain
where you cleaned your hands,
the once white sink now red,
like the stains left on the floor,
covered now by stranger’s rugs
folded neatly along the baseboards
in a house where it once was clear
that love lay locked inside the walls.
Every death, every day
reminds me of you-
and just when I let go,
move on, meet someone new
you surface and it is selfish,
but it is me who thinks of you.
I placed you high, above the rest
and when I am tested, tempted,
when I consider another,
I betray what we had. But,
what we had dissipated long ago
and you feel nothing anymore-
but what I imagine you to feel.
You are gone, laid to rest,
but I will not let you- now that
my dear is truly selfish-
in its purest portrayal.
I celebrate today everything you are
not everything I miss since you went away.
For you, I allowed my happiness
to be product of your own.
I sacrificed pride for understanding.
There was really no known code
and no heart was mine to decide
who could have it, of who it could love.
Still, I held fast to yours-
wanting to control its desire.
I wanted to be your desire,
and so I let me fall, for you.
Until I was splashing about the waves
still searching, gasping for a breath
to breathe life back into you,
grasping blindly in the dark for a hold
to pull you back down to earth.
But you were already gone,
long before anyone knew.
It has been four years, my dear,
I am still not done getting over,
but I am getting better at letting go,
of all that I held on to waiting on you.
Dearest Kelly,
I could sit here and pout about how much it hurts to know that you are gone, but I know that you are delighting in Heaven with your Father and there’s no way that I can be sad about that fact. You were such a joy and a blessing and I miss you more than words can express. Such a tragic ending to such a beautiful life. You will live on in our hearts and in our memories… you are in the Lord’s hands now. You are watching over us now and we could not ask for a more beautiful, loving guardian angel! I hope that you can read this from up above; I hope that you don’t mind that I share it with the world. I just want to share my fondest memory of you. Oh, and when I see you on the other side, we will take that fishing trip I promised!
*Kelly and I worked at Starbucks together for quite a while before I left for my full time gig. One night when we were closing together, she was put on dishwashing detail and I was trying to help her by bringing dishes to the sink for her to wash. I had loaded her up with several whipped cream canisters and turned to walk off when all of a sudden I heard this loud “POP!” followed by Kelly’s loud “GASP!” I quickly turned back around to a big eyed, wide open mouthed Kelly splattered from head to toe with whipped cream. I guess she forgot to release all of the pressure from the charge in the sink before she unscrewed the lid because she got a face and apron full of cream. I swear we laughed for days about her “creaming” incident. I wish that I had gotten a picture, because the look on her face was priceless! I still laugh today every time that I think of that moment… no one else could crack me up at work quite like she could. And trust me, I had a LOT of coworkers at Starbucks over the years.
Can we take the life
that we led when we go?
Can we take our memories?
Can we keep our mind?
Sadly, love is left behind,
bodies remain to wither away
for they were but flesh,
of no consequence to who
we had grown to be, inwardly.
So, we cherish the soul,
the source of the love,
not the part that we see,
not the part we touch,
not what encases the heart.
We grow fond of this skin
that binds us together,
but relate to the core,
build trust internally.
So, what I miss most,
my dear about you.
Is not your smile,
is not your laugh,
is not the physical “you.”
Sure, I miss all of those parts,
but my darling, sweet babe
I miss the center, the soul.
I miss your wonderful heart.
The onset is swift, but not subtle.
It is a punch to the gut,
explosive quake of the chest;
the muscles give, bones seem to break
and the life is ripped out of your breast.
Unlike anything you’ve ever felt before,
a fiery furnace of internal emotional hell.
It is raw, exposed, bold, unyielding-
unforgivable. Yet we search for reason,
we try to bargain for the lost souls.
Some would say that heart break
is easily the most fearful fate.
I have to disagree, you see.
We know the risks we take,
the stakes of the love games we play.
You can love again; a heart will mend.
I have to say that longing… that loss
is a far more painful, permanent ache
for a soul cannot defend against death.
Life cannot be restored nor replaced.
No denial, anger, no bargain can bring return.
And the reality is unfortunately this:
through memories alone do thrive
those that have lost, those departed.
Memories we keep don’t keep us alive
but do generously allow those we lose to survive.
I needed you, today.
I needed your confirmation, your honesty-
as brutal as it could be.
I needed the security of your love;
the trust I had in your reasoning
to pull together the chaos of
misunderstandings and disappointments.
You held me together,
pulled me back when I stepped too far.
I was content in your heart,
you opened wide, your life to me,
sought trust in my eyes
and so, I mimicked your right
to pass the time
lazily in your arms.
I know why you had to go,
but I cannot understand
why you left me, here, alone…
with this heavy heart
incapable of wearing it
any other way but out.
The Lines of Sight 
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